


Literary Criticism

by MyOwnSuperintendent



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Gen, Sexual Content, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-05
Updated: 2014-08-05
Packaged: 2018-02-11 20:08:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2081502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyOwnSuperintendent/pseuds/MyOwnSuperintendent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Littlefinger takes to writing stories about himself and Catelyn, only to find that his work is very much not appreciated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Literary Criticism

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own "A Song of Ice and Fire," "Game of Thrones," or anything related to them. Hope you enjoy!

_She was dripping wet as she writhed on the bed. She screamed his name as her muscles tightened and she exploded in pleasure for the sixteenth time that afternoon._

_Afterwards, she pressed her lips to his. “I love you,” she whispered. “Oh, my darling, I love you so much. I was so blind not to realize it earlier. Please, please forgive me. I can’t live without you. You are such a man.”_

_“I forgive you,” he said magnanimously._

_“All these wasted years...” she sighed. “Well, we’ll just have to make up for lost time, won’t we?” And she slid down the bed to take his member in her mouth. “Let me please you again.”_

“Well, what do you think?”

“Do you want my honest opinion?”

“Of course!”

“Well, in that case,” said Ros, “I think this is the worst story I’ve ever read.”

“What?” Littlefinger looked outraged. “In what way is this the worst story you’ve ever read?”

“In pretty much every way, actually,” Ros said. “Not to mention that I wouldn’t even have agreed to read it in the first place if I’d known that it was porn. Especially porn about you.” She shuddered. “I’m not comfortable with this kind of workplace situation. I’m quitting.”

“You can’t quit!” Littlefinger said.

“Yes, I can,” Ros said.

“Well, before you quit, you at least have to tell me what specifically you didn’t like about my story. You can’t just make rude comments and leave it there.”

“Okay,” said Ros. “Fine. If I can help you improve even the tiniest bit, it’ll count as a service to literature.” She picked up the sheets of parchment again and began to look at them. “First of all, your characterization doesn’t work for me.”

“Why not?” Littlefinger demanded.

“This doesn’t seem like something that Lady Stark would do.”

“Don’t call her that,” Littlefinger said. “And what would you know, anyway? You don’t even know Cat.”

“Well, not personally,” Ros said, “but I did spend most of my life near Winterfell. I’ve seen her many times. And it’s pretty clear, just looking at them, how much she’s in love with her husband.”

“She is not,” Littlefinger said. “Don’t even say that. She may act like she is because her duty is important to her, but she isn’t really.”

“Trust me,” Ros said, “in this line of work I’ve gotten pretty good at knowing when someone’s pretending to have feelings. I think this is real. Why do you think they have so many children?”

“Because it’s her duty,” Littlefinger insisted. “Maybe she thinks she loves him. Maybe she thinks he satisfies her. But that’s just because she’s never known anything better. I would show her—”

“But even if all she cares about is her duty, what makes you think that she’d give you the chance to show her? If, for the sake of argument, that was something you were capable of doing.”

“She wouldn’t be able to resist,” Littlefinger said. “Did you even read the story?”

“I read it,” Ros said, “but it didn’t make sense there either. That’s my second problem with your story—there’s no motivation for anything that happens. She just decides that she’s always loved you? Because you grab her and kiss her? Do I have that right?”

“Yes,” said Littlefinger. “What’s wrong with that?”

“Most people don’t like it when you do that,” Ros said. “It shows that you don’t respect their boundaries. It feels like a violation.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Littlefinger said. “And Cat would enjoy it. She’d know that I was doing it because I loved her.”

“You have a warped way of showing affection,” Ros said. “But let’s move on. I’m not going to fight you on your interpretation of Lady Stark right now. I don’t have the time if I want to clean out my things by the end of the day. But there is something else that I do want to talk to you about.” She turned over a few pages of the parchment. “The way you wrote all the sex—can I ask you a personal question?”

“Fine.”

“Have you ever actually had sex? With an actual woman?”

“Yes, I most certainly have!” Littlefinger said indignantly. “I had both Tully sisters’ maidenheads.”

“Oh, gods,” said Ros. “The poor things.”

“What do you mean, the poor things?” Littlefinger asked.

“Well, from your writing,” Ros said, “it just seems like you have no idea what women like. Or how women’s bodies work.”

“What are you talking about?” Littlefinger asked. “If you’d paid attention to the story, you’d have seen that she peaked sixteen times.”

“That’s part of the problem,” Ros said. “I’m not sure that’s even possible, and it certainly wouldn’t be pleasant. She’d be begging you to stop at that point.”

“What?”

“Women like it when you make them peak,” said Ros, “but in moderation. Not sixteen times. She’d just get sore. Especially since it’s really unclear, in the story, how you’re even making all this happen.”

“With my cock,” said Littlefinger. “How else would I make it happen?”

“That’s my point,” said Ros. “Some women do peak just from having a man’s cock in them, but it’s not as common as men seem to think. And you barely do anything else in this story. You touch her breasts a bit, I suppose, but the way it’s written, it seems much more like it’s for your pleasure than for hers. And then…there’s almost no other build-up. Barely any touching. You don’t seem to touch her clit at all. She’s that wet after you’ve kissed her once? She peaks the second you’re inside her? Those things just wouldn’t happen.”

“They would,” Littlefinger said. “Cat would like it. She and I love each other.”

“That’s the other thing I wanted to talk to you about,” said Ros. “It doesn’t seem like you truly love her. Yes, I know that you mention it several times in the story,” she added quickly, as Littlefinger opened his mouth to speak, “but I never really believed it. You don’t respect her marriage. You don’t respect her personal space. And even proceeding on the dubious assumption that she’s interested in lying with you, you barely do anything to pleasure her. She keeps using her mouth on you and you never return the favor. And all those parts with her begging your forgiveness—they made me really uncomfortable. I don’t see what there was to forgive. But I get the sense that you got a lot of pleasure from writing those scenes, and it felt really degrading to her. None of that looks like love to me.”

Now Littlefinger looked angry. “You have no idea what you’re talking about, Ros,” he said. “I love Cat, and if you knew all about how she’d chosen the Starks over me, you’d see that she should be begging my forgiveness! I’ve always loved her. I could have made her ten times happier than Ned Stark does, if she’d looked my way for half a second. But she always—”

Ros held up a hand. “Look, I don’t want to fight with you,” she said. “You asked for my criticism, and I gave it to you. Writing creepy porn is your hobby, and if you enjoy it, that’s ultimately what matters.   I just think that you should take a look at your attitudes towards women and your understanding of how female pleasure works. It might stand you in good stead someday.” She set the parchment down on his desk and rose. “I’m going to get my things together. Have a good evening.”

As she walked to her room, Ros hoped that Littlefinger would take her advice. It could only help both his writing and his relationships with women, she thought. But it was very unlikely that he would listen.


End file.
